Effective, Active Listening

Why is it that most people think only about having to speak -- and not also listen -- when they think about having a conversation with another person? When one of my coaching clients talked about how uncomfortable she felt with the idea of going to networking meetings, she reminded me of the basic answer for overcoming the fear of not having anything to say in a social situation with strangers: she felt that she wouldn't know what to say when introduced to a new person.

When I explained that the answer was to ask questions that would get the other people to talk about themselves, she was still perplexed: "What if I run out of questions?" Her question didn't take into account that she could be learning something interesting by listening to the other person's answer to her first question, and that would lead to more interesting things to talk or ask about.

The fact is that most people are uncomfortable in new social situations. Helping someone else talk about things that they know makes it easier for them and you. And what is the one thing that people know the most about? Themselves. Helping people talk about themselves makes them more comfortable and, thus, helps you to break the ice and find out what you have in common.

So often we are so worried about what we are going to say next that we miss the opportunity that comes from listening, really listening to the other person. Here are some basic tips for effective, active listening:

• Give your undivided attention -- tune in to the other person and stop listening to the voice inside you head.

• Listen to understand -- analyze what the person is saying and if you don't understand, ask for them to help you to understand.

• Understand first, evaluate second -- if you immediately disagree, try to see it from their perspective first.

• Reflect back (at an appropriate break) in your own words what you have heard.

• Don't feel pressured to come-up with something to say; remember there is another person standing there with you who might help you out by asking a question.